MOVING CITIES & Making friends
Age Written: 32. Age Writing to: 24. Location: California, U.S.A.
To Her,
You’ve arrived in this city that you’ve dreamed for so many years to be in. At first, you wander the streets & it hardly feels real. The beautiful storefronts, new restaurants, & the energy of hustle, liveliness, buzz. The feeling that important things are happening here. And simultaneously that you’ve arrived on a vacation that you get excited will never end. It feels unknown but exciting.
But as time passes, you’re start to realize that you don’t know any of the faces of the strangers you pass on the street. You’re starting to dread your weekends because of the overwhelming sense of loneliness that creeps in. The securities that were quietly keeping you upright before, ones you didn’t realize were there—-like the friendly face at your local gym, the friend that you made in your old apartment building—-they are all gone. And suddenly you feel like you are floating. Like you don’t have roots or traction. It’s disorienting, overwhelming, & you’re starting to regret that you ever made this leap.
I wish I could tell you how normal this is. That you are so not alone in feeling this & that this feeling won’t last forever. It’s going to take time, as all moves do, but you are going to end up loving it here. I’ll walk you through how you will start to find a tether that will slowly grow into a beautiful community.
First, you are going to have to make the decision to be vulnerable & open. Willing to put yourself out there & risk a bit of ego for connection.
Then, you are going to look for all second & third degree connections that you can find. Ask your people who they know here. Your mom’s friend’s daughter. A woman you went to college with. A friend of an old coworker who recently moved too.
Then, you are going to leverage the creativity & diversity of the city you are in to find interesting things to do & connect over. The free art fair, the new cafe that opened, the Friday night live music at the park. And you are going to try to match these connections with interesting things to do. It’s a 2 for 1: you get to explore more of this new place & see if you can make a new friend along the way. Don’t take this too seriously—it’s like dating! Sometimes it will work out & sometimes it won’t.
You know that it takes time to build friendships…literal quantifiable hours. So you will invite the women you connect with on these “friend dates” to do something with you again. It feels a little risky. Do they even like you? But they will say yes if they do & you don’t need to take it personally if they don’t! And slowly over time, you will find a few people that you really can be yourself around & can learn from.
Routines will give you roots too. The same workout class with the same instructor & class every week. The same grocery store & walking routes.
And slowly, after a year or so, you are going to look around & this place is going to feel more like home. Like you belong. And you will be so proud of yourself that you stuck it out & didn’t leave. You are about to start an adventure that will fundamentally change who you are in ways that you never could have imagined! Bring it on.
XX,
Your Champion.
